Cassandra

It has been about a year and a half since my lapband surgery. I have lost 80lbs (and hopefully still counting!!)! I was recently asked by my obese mother, "What does it feel like to have lost all that weight?" The feeling is indescribable. The best thing I could say was "normal." I do not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, or that people are looking and talking about me, judging me. Could also be that I am not as self-conscience. My self esteem has improved. I can move around easier and more quickly. I can walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. The ability to shop in any store has been quite a transition!! A welcome one for sure! I was so used to only being able to shop at plus size stores. When I wasn't plus sized anymore, I didn't even know where to go!! I just feel lighter. More able. Healthier. My life has completely changed. It is sad to say, but people do treat you differently when you are overweight. It is unfortunate, but true. I feel blessed to have been both (overweight and normal weight), because it keeps me grounded. I am the same person I was before, only smaller, more confident.

Food continues to be a battle for me. I think it always will. The band is really a great tool for me though. It has made a tremendous difference. I do not believe that I would have been able to have been so successful on my own. It really helps. I would recommend it to anyone struggling with being overweight. I am so glad that I had this opportunity. It has changed my life. I will be forever thankful. (So, if you are thinking about it, go to one of Dr. Curry's info sessions, learn all about it, and get your life back!! Good luck!!)

Posted on: 04/19/2011
Well, I have been doing much better. I only lost 1 pound at my last weigh in. Not great, but at least I didn’t gain!! I needed an adjustment! The girls explained to me that just as your rings get loose on your fingers, your band can get loose when you’re losing so much weight! Since my fill, I’ve lost 6 more pounds!! It is so great that almost all of the girls at Dr. Curry’s and JourneyLite have been banded! It is so awesome to hear their stories and get their advice, because everything I’m going through, they’ve been there, done that, and can give great tips and advice! And help me not to beat up on myself too much when I don’t do as well as I had expected. We are the hardest on ourselves it seems! They also told me if I feel like I need a fill, I don’t have to wait until my next scheduled appointment. Seems logical. It never even occurred to me!! Best believe, next time I need a fill, I wont be waiting! So excited to be back on track! Thanks girls!!

Hello again! I have been doing much better with the sweets:) Doing well with the exercise, and have had no problems getting “stuck.” I actually think I may be ready for another small fill. I feel like I am able to eat more and I get hungry every couple of hours. Still losing weight, may have slowed down a bit. Still so excited to get away from 200 pounds! The further the better!! I am very insecure about my belly. The skin is getting pretty hangy. Can’t wait to get an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)!! I wonder about the port and how and if it will affect my future abdominoplasty. My next visit is at the beginning of next month and it’s picture time again. So excited! I am also going to be walking in a 5K at the end of the month with a friend of mine. Excited about that too. I ran a 10-minute mile the other day. I was so proud of myself. It was HARD! Some girls at work talked me into it and coached me along. They plan on doing it again and regularly. I am going to try to keep up as long as my knees aren’t bothering me. Maybe next stop – marathon. Just kidding. Really NO desire to do that. Those people are out of their minds. LOL Talk to you soon.

I am still having a problem with emotional eating. Surgery doesn’t change your bad habits. It doesn’t fix the emotional reasons why we eat. I remember when people would tell me about patients finding a way to “cheat” with the band and I thought “Oh my goodness!! Why would they do that after going through surgery and everything??!” Now I understand. I am guilty of cheating. Remember that best friend I lost? I found a way for us to be together again… When every brain cell screams – they are not good for you!! Look at all your progress! My friend is there, calling, “Remember me? Remember all the fun times we had? Remember how good I made you feel?” That “friend” is trying to sabotage me!! Right now, that friend’s name is Reese Cup.:) Damn Reese Cup!! I have forbidden myself from buying them anymore. It is like an obsession. It is an addiction!! One little “harmless” craving for peanut butter and chocolate, one little “treat” turns into an ugly, ugly, ugly obsession. I refuse to buy them anymore. I am trying to create healthy emotional habits. I have gotten back into my workout routine (3-4 days/wk – I had slacked off a little recently). I have invested in some good running shoes. I like to run. I feel like I can run away from my problems. Not really, but I do feel better once I’m done. When I am angry, sad, or lonely I like to eat. I am trying to turn to activity for comfort rather than food. AKA Reese Cup. I have definitely been doing better. It is a constant challenge that will hopefully get easier with Spring approaching. Any help or suggestions for fighting the food blues would be appreciated!

Wow! I can’t believe it is already February. Time passes so quickly. I am down 59lbs! I cannot believe it. I have done much better since my ER visit. I am very, very careful about chewing my food! It is hard to follow the rules sometimes, eating protein first. One day, I got a grilled chicken salad and it was good, but it was taking so long to eat I just gave up! I am always the last to finish, even when my co-mealers have huge plates of food. That is a bummer too. By the time I finish chewing, my food is cold. It is really not that bad though. I can appreciate chewing my food a little longer. Most of us inhale our food almost without even tasting it. That’s how I used to be. I have pretty much outgrown all my clothes. Which is great, but hard on a budget. Lol! I find some good deals at the thrift stores, especially on jeans. I am officially in “Onederland” as Marcy called it! I like the sound of that. I wanted to have a party!! I haven’t seen the 100s in over 8 years. It’s one of those milestones that in the past had been so daunting and seemingly unattainable. I am so fortunate. It makes me feel bad because my mother fights obesity and I wish I could help her. My success is bittersweet when I have loved ones struggling so hard. I would totally pay for her surgery if I could. I would recommend looking into surgery for anyone struggling with large amounts of weight to lose. It is so worth it! It is a wonderful tool. I used to think I could do it on my own, but I never did, I never could. Even loses came with bigger gains. I am so thankful. Goodbye and good riddance 2010. I never want to see you again!!

Well, hello again. It has been a while, my computer died and it took a while to get a new one. Things have been going really well. The last fill I got was 1cc of fluid and boy I can really tell a difference! Last night was a horrible lesson to learn in chewing my food! I ate some chicken pot pie that I made (low fat – without the crust) and about a half an hour after I got this horrible pain in my chest/stomach. It lasted for 6 hours! Dr. Curry thought it could have been my gallbladder so I took a trip to the ER. Thankfully, it was not my gallbladder, but it was a hard lesson to learn! I never want to feel that way ever again! At this point I feel as if I never want to eat ever again, but I know that feeling will pass. I am very sore and Dr. Curry wants me to be on a liquid diet for a couple days. That is totally fine by me! I am also going to start eating with a baby spoon once I start eating again. One for behavior modification. I think I have learned my lesson and I am going to be very careful from here on out. Even as slowly as it took to fill my band to get restriction, I don’t think I was totally prepared for when it actually happened. Restriction is wonderful, but definitely takes some getting used to.

Well, Thanksgiving was wonderful! I was a little sad not to be able to overindulge as most people tend to do on this holiday, but overall I think I did fairly well. I ate my turkey first and avoided stuffing and mashed potatoes (which I still blame for that horrible pain!). I had a spoonful of all the sides I wanted and I did have a small piece of pumpkin pie – yum! Today I am getting back to working out – it’s almost been a week of inactivity!! That’s a no-no! I am actually looking forward to it. I always feel my best after a good workout. I know that I am definitely eating smaller portions, and get fuller faster, and I am losing weight…I am assuming I have a fair amount of restriction. I can sometimes still eat a lot, and sometimes still get pretty hungry, but I do notice a difference. I wonder how much my next fill will be, or even if they will give me a fill…?

Well, I have been doing well. Have not had that feeling happen to me again. I am thinking maybe it was the mashed potatoes… I don’t know, but I am going to try to stay away from those! The hardest part is trying to stay away from sweets. They have always been my downfall. I was doing so well until a couple weeks ago… It was my son’s birthday, then my birthday, then my mom’s birthday… and of course I had cake! Sugar is a terrible drug! Once introduced back into your system, you crave it more than ever!! And the holidays are coming up. I am worried. I don’t want to slow my progress. I didn’t work out at all this week. I have been working late (hallelujah for the hours!!) so I have been pretty tired. It scares me a little because I am telling myself I will get back on track next week and it is just a little too reminiscent of the days when I would tell myself that every single week, but never was able to get back on track. It is so easy to become lazy. What do some of you use for motivation? Well, that’s it for now!

Well, I did well at my 3-month weigh-in. I have lost 41 pounds so far!! Yay! I also took new pictures which I haven’t seen yet. I am excited to see a difference. Well, I think I finally have some restriction…I got my fill on October 29th and since then have been doing great, until tonight. I ate a slice of meatloaf and a small portion of mashed potatoes. I didn’t measure them out, but I probably should have. Probably about 20-30 min after I ate, I felt this uncomfortable feeling low in my chest, which quickly transformed into excruciating pain! My mouth was watering and suddenly I was dry heaving violently, and then pain was so bad I just wanted to pass out! This went on for a good 20 minutes before quickly subsiding. I never actually threw up but I sure wanted to! Thank goodness I had some leftover phenergan!! I think it helped. I have felt some painful pressure a couple times in the last few days, an hour or two after I’ve eaten. I thought it was from bread absorbing fluid and expanding, so I have been trying to stay away from foods that expand while wet. I am not sure what happened tonight, but I never want to feel that way again!! Has that ever happened to any of you? What was your trigger? I thought maybe I ate too fast or too much, but I didn’t really eat that much. I thought I had stopped at a good time… It hurt so bad I almost wanted to call an ambulance! And I was freaking out about the dry heaving because I do not want to mess up my band. The funny thing was how quickly it came and went. Any tips? Is that what restriction feels like?

Well, it is less than two weeks until my next fill/weigh in. I am feeling pretty good. I haven’t gotten on the scale lately so I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost, but I can definitely tell a difference! It might be kinda fun to wait and be surprised on my visit! We’ll see if I can wait or if curiosity gets the best of me. It seems like that is the first thing everyone asks, “How much weight have you lost?” Omg, just talking about it makes me wanna jump on the scale. One thing I notice, besides my jeans getting looser, is my big “bat wing” as they call it! My arms were big (as was the rest of me) but I can tell I’ve lost fat there because of how “flappy” they are now! Sometimes I embarrass myself just putting lotion on and hearing the clapping sound of my loose skin hitting my body! (Eww!) I can only hope for my skin to catch up, or plastic surgery – lol! But I do feel so much better. I also get pictures taken on my next visit. I am excited to see a difference. I am also looking forward to getting a little more restriction. That part has bummed me out in the past. I’ve been trying to tell myself that even though there is not as much restriction as I’d like, I am still doing so much better than if I had none. I am so thankful. I’ll fill you in after my appointment if not sooner and let you know my results!

Well, so far so good. Still don’t feel like I have much restriction. Only when I eat dry meats…Other than that, things still go down pretty easily. And I can eat a whole plate of food in 20 minutes. I wonder sometimes if the pouch is stretched out. I wonder how much food the “pouch” is supposed to hold. I don’t feel like I am losing weight anymore. Maybe I’ve hit a plateau. I have been busting my butt at the gym. Hopefully it will pay off.

Well, I am a little disappointed so far in my last fill. I don’t feel like I really got any additional restriction. I can eat a lot of food and I get hungry quickly. I think I expected a noticeable amount of restriction. I am not experiencing any difficulty getting any foods down. That’s not necessarily a good thing for me… They only put 0.5ml of fluid in the band. I don’t feel like that was even worth the trip down there! I can’t tell a difference. Am I being unreasonable? Pushing for too much too fast? Have any of you felt the same way?

Well, today was my second fill. I have been waiting for this! It was not half as bad as the first! I get so freaked out and nervous about that needle stick, and the first fill really hurt! This one was much more comfortable. I have lost another 6 pounds! Yay! At first I was kind of disappointed it was only 6 pounds, but everyone seemed to think that was really good, so I feel much better about it now. Plus, that puts my total to 31 pounds!!! I feel really good! I am able to get around better without being so out of breath, I am able to do so much more at the gym (I’m really surprising myself!), and my clothes are definitely looser! A lot of people are really noticing and complimenting me. A few girls at work have taken to calling me “Skinny”! Yeah right!! But it is nice. I really don’t notice too much when I look in the mirror. I feel like I look about the same… My clothes tell me different! I am very excited about the changes I’m going through. I have noticed my face is slimmer, and I noticed my chin for the first time the other day! (It had been hiding) It is very motivating to be working so hard and actually seeing results. It makes it a little, a LITTLE, easier to turn down sweets! I swear, I feel like everyday someone is bringing cakes, pies, cookies, or donuts to work! Saboteurs!! I’ve been doing ok. It is easier some days than others, but regardless, I am doing much, much better than before my surgery, so I try not to be too hard on myself. I am looking forward to having a little bit more restriction. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Oh man! I am not doing so great! I think I was depending too much on the band to give me restriction. I don’t feel like I have any restriction at all! I guess I was kinda hoping for some negative reinforcement. I have not been eating as I should. I am not having any difficulty getting anything down! It is harder than ever to stick to 1 cup of food!!! It is harder than ever to not drink and eat at the same time. I have been eating carbs. I haven’t been writing in my food journal. I am scared that I am going to screw this up… Some days are better than others. I have been trying to make healthy choices, but like I said – some days are better than others. I feel like I am on one day and off the next. If I screw up I feel like I’ve ruined the whole day. I feel like the same failure as before the band. I knew that I would need 2-3 fills to have adequate restriction, but I guess I just expected more. I didn’t think it would be so hard. I feel like up until this point I have done quite well on a greatly restricted diet but it feels like I just can’t do it anymore! It’s too hard!! I was on vacation, and now that I’m back to work, it IS a little easier. I am really trying to stay on track. My stone cold determination that I started with has started to fade and temptations are getting the best of me. My will power isn’t quite as strong. I haven’t been on the scale because I am afraid. I am afraid I am going to fail. God give me strength!!!

Hello again! Not feeling so great right now. It really is depressing to not be able to eat the things you want to eat! My boyfriend and I go to Starbucks often and their sugar-free selection stinks! I wanted so bad to get a frappuccino! Instead I am stuck with coffee with skim milk. Don’t get me wrong, I love coffee, but every now and then I would like a treat. I probably would have treated myself if I hadn’t been doing so horribly lately. I have an appointment on Monday (to get my band filled – Yay!) and I am nervous about what they are going to say about my food journal. First of all, it is really hard to keep up with that thing. I haven’t been drinking enough fluids, and I have been making bad choices. I completely skipped dinner Monday and Tuesday and then went crazy on Wednesday. I wanted a hamburger so badly – with all the fixins. I came home and went to bed without dinner and woke up starving to death and craving a hamburger. So what did I do? I went to McDonalds and got a deluxe combo! I didn’t eat the top of the bun. I had intended on only eating ½ of the sandwich, but I couldn’t stop!! And the fries! Why??! It was insane. And I didn’t feel too bad about it. I figured if this is to be a lifestyle change, I have to be able to eat what I want on occasion. However, I probably shouldn’t have eaten the entire sandwich, and I should have at least gotten a small fry. The worst part of it all was that I seemed to have opened a door to the past and I just lost my mind and finished off the bag of sugar-free Reese cups! The next day, I was back to “normal” but I was so freaking hungry all day long!! I had been doing so well!! It was like that one meal stretched my stomach out and reminded it what it felt like to be full, and it was definitely giving me grief! It was growling all day long! I’ve really been trying to do better. It is so hard. I have lost about 4 more pounds. I’ll get the official weight on Monday. Wish me luck! God help me get through the weekend!

Well, I apologize, as it has been a while. I have been busy getting back in the routine. I feel like I have been doing very well on my diet. As of my 2-week post op visit, I have lost about 19lbs. I feel really good about that. I am getting used to the smaller portions and doing pretty well making sure I get all of my protein in. Last night I overdid it though. For my after dinner snack I bought some sugar-free Reese cups. Big mistake! I guess it could have been worse – I ate 2 servings – whereas before I probably would have eaten the entire bag of the regular Reese cups. Even though I have lost about 20lbs, I don’t see a big difference. Mostly I can tell in my face and in my boobs (of course!). However, I did notice that when I painted my toes, it was much easier to get to them!!

Thanks Heather for posting a comment, I appreciate it! Work has been utterly exhausting!! Plus I haven’t been “resting” at home either. Last night my son and I went to a Dayton Dragons game. (I REALLY wanted a beer! I am not a big drinker, especially not beer! But that guy walking around shouting “Ice cold beer!” sure made it sound good.) Probably should have passed, but who can pass up free tickets? Had to be at work at 6am and didn’t get off until 4:30pm. I work as a surgical tech and some orthopedic cases have like 8-10 heavy trays of instruments, plus I have to hold limbs and retractors and stuff. I assume it is OK to lift because the note from Dr. Curry’s office to my boss said I could lift up to 20lbs. I have been feeling ok. Just tired. This morning was probably the worst day back to work. Last night, I drank a protein shake, and I don’t know if it was too fast or too much or too soon after eating, but I felt awful! Plus I finally cleaned out my belly button! EWW! I had been afraid to clean it!! So up until yesterday I just let the water run over it in the shower. I was showing my mom and she said, “Eww, it looks gross in there.” So I got a q-tip and cleaned it out. But it took a little bit of pulling and prodding and awkward positioning in front of the mirror! Lol! I think it just really hurt me. I tried to get my mom to help but she wouldn’t! I had a nurse at work today take a look because I was worried it might have gotten infected, but it’s fine. I also have about 10mm of suture sticking out, but my nurse friend wouldn’t cut it for me!! I’ll get someone else at work to do it! Eating has been ok. I get hungry. Been trying to get my protein in. And my water! It is hard for me to drink 64oz in one day! I started my food journal on Monday. I broke down and had ice cream on Tuesday. McDonalds soft serve. I looked it up and its really not too bad. I lopped the top off and gave the rest to my son. One cone is 150 calories. Not too bad! Although today I got on the scale and discovered I gained a pound! It freaked me out a little I must admit! We’ll see.

Well, I am officially one-week post op. Feeling pretty good. Today was my first day back to work – Ugh! I was a little worried but today was a light day so it wasn’t too bad! Tomorrow is a whole ‘nother story! We are going to be super-busy! (I am a surgical tech at a small private hospital.) I think I will be able to handle it. My co-workers are very supportive. I heard that they did not keep up the step group while I was gone!! They will definitely have to get back in gear when the doctor gives me the OK. I haven’t done much exercising. Just walking, only a couple flights of stairs at a time (I work on 2nd floor).

I am doing well eating. Perhaps not the best choices, but the quantity is greatly reduced! Refried beans, mashed potatoes, and meatballs aren’t really “good” for me. But, right now, I am happy to be able to eat and I am told that healing is more important than weight loss right now. Which brings me to these protein shots I bought! – The great thing about them is that there is 1g carbs and 26g protein in 2.9oz! The bad thing is the taste! The one thing I am really proud about myself about is the fact that I have had NO ice cream!! That is one of my weaknesses. I want some, but I am still worried about losing weight. I don’t want to sabotage myself. My mom bought me sugar-free Creamsicles instead. So far I’ve lost 18lbs!! It is exciting!! Today was probably the first day I experienced real hunger. One cup of food for dinner? I am still hungry! I want to drink a big glass of milk, but I am trying to prepare myself for when I get my band filled by not eating and drinking at the same time. It is not as easy as I thought it’d be!!

I was talking to a girl at work who had gastric bypass about the horror of the pre-op diet and why it was so difficult for me. She said because I had lost my best friend. Coincidentally, Lisa sent me her blog and she also mentioned being depressed from losing her “best buddy”. If anyone doesn’t already know, that friend is food. I turned to food for every occasion, or no occasion at all. It upset me to realize how much I truly relied on food to be my buddy. At one of my worst points I actually thought about it. Food was constant while people were not. Food didn’t let me down. Food was with me in times of celebration, in times of sadness. Food was always there when I needed it. That is not a good feeling to realize that food held such high importance. There were times that I would rather eat than be with people I loved. Wow! It hurts to admit that. Where did I get so out of control? When did food stop being sustenance and start being such comfort? I guess I’ll never know. Only now I have the extraordinary gift/opportunity to retrain my mind and my body and have a REAL shot at losing the weight and KEEPING IT OFF!! I am so excited. And so happy I am almost in tears…Thank you! God! Everyone!

Well, surgery was Monday and everything went well. I think yesterday was the hardest. I was most sore and nauseas. I have been doing well though. Trying to drink my water. It’s not easy to get 64oz. in! I’ve been sleeping a lot. That medicine just knocks me out! I had a hernia repair also and I feel a lot of pressure under my chest. I haven’t really been eating. Haven’t much felt like it. I’ve had cottage cheese, pinto beans, yogurt, and malt-o-meal. It seems like a lot, but I’ve only eaten a couple bites at a time. I weighed myself at Dr. Curry’s office the day of surgery. I lost 10lbs on the pre-op diet. I was kind of upset. I expected to lose more. It felt like it should have been more for all the sacrifice!! Lisa asked me if I had ever lost 10lbs in 2 weeks before – no. She asked if I had ever lost 10lbs and never gained it back – no. Thanks for putting things into perspective for me Lisa! I am so excited! And I will never have to see those 10lbs again!! :) Thank you Dr. Curry and staff, and JourneyLite staff. Everyone who made this possible for me. Thank you to everyone who held me in their thoughts and prayers. You are all very much appreciated! Thank you!!

Well, last night I got home from Starbucks and guess what was sitting on the kitchen counter…cupcakes! Really? Someone must be trying to kill me. Those were actually a little easier to resist than the chocolate chip cookie. I feel so freakin depressed. I just want to cry. Not sure why. Because I cant eat? Hormones? I don’t know. I should be excited but I just feel depressed. I am hungry. I can’t have anything I want. Packets? Yuck! Dry @$$ turkey? Not real appealing. My diet is slowly consisting of diet pop. And I didn’t even used to drink pop. I am moody and sullen. I just want to sleep. I can’t wait to eat after surgery. Not even really stuff I shouldn’t have. Just food. Choices. This diet was absolutely terrible! It sucks bad. I wish no one else would ever have to go through it, but sadly, you will if you haven’t already. Surgery is tomorrow. Wish me luck! Hopefully I will get out of this funk, because instead of being all funky, I need to take a minute to appreciate this – worst two weeks of my life and all!

My mom is trying to kill me! There was a turkey in the fridge, and I thought “I’ll cook that and have some turkey breast for dinner.” So I turned the oven on, got the turkey ready, opened up the oven to put it in and there was a chocolate chip cookie cake staring me right in the face!! Warmed to perfection, and letting off the most delicious aroma. I wanted to put my face in it and lick the pan!! She is literally trying to kill me. Why would she do that? In her defense, she was trying to hide it in the oven. It took every freakin ounce of will power I could muster. I smelled it for what seemed like forever. Inhaling its yummy goodness…I told my son, “You have no idea how much I want to eat this!” I wanted to. BADLY. I kept thinking, “One bite. One small bite won’t hurt anything.” But I knew that one bite and that whole entire cookie would be gone. I didn’t do it. Dorian (my boyfriend) and I were gonna go out to dinner(my suggestion-am I a glutton for punishment or what?!!), and I was gonna take my packets. I just don’t think I have the strength for that!! He will understand. We should just stick to Starbucks.

I have a few confessions to make. I should have mentioned them earlier, but I was afraid of letting Dr. Curry know the mistakes I was making and feeling like I didn’t deserve to be the winner. My friend told me that I am human, and just because I am the winner, I am not perfect and I need to let fellow bloggers (people struggling just like me) know what is going on. I ate one reese piece that day I went to the movie. I ate ½ a spoon of peanut butter yesterday, and I ate a low-fat cheese stick today. It makes me feel horrible. But I try to make good choices when I cheat! Well, not really! That’s a lie. My daughter ate reese’s pieces at the movie and I resisted all day long. I still had the bag in my purse and that night they were calling my name!! I ate one and gave the rest of the bag away. The peanut butter was because I was eating the peanut butter protein bar (my favorite!) and I just couldn’t get enough! I had to have more peanut butter! The cheese stick was simply because it was low-fat, had no carbs, and I was starving!! That really is the key. To “eat” your packets consistently (which I have not been doing – I feel like I’d rather starve, which is what I’ve been doing) that way you don’t get ravenously (a real word?) hungry. If you can avoid the ravenous hunger, you’ll have a better chance at succeeding. I’ve had two packets today and am eating a chicken breast as we speak. I feel badly for cheating and I hope that you’ll forgive me for keeping it to myself for so long. I will be honest from here on out. I feel like these last days are going to be the longest days of my life! Will July 12th ever get here?? Before I die please!I just finished my chicken breast and it made me think of something I really miss: MILK! I love milk. I feel like I could kill for a nice tall glass of milk right now! It is sooooo tempting to cheat!! God help me!!! I think I’ll have a diet root beer. Wish me luck! I’ll let you know how it goes! (Promise;))A part of me wants to eat an entire meal on Sunday. A part of me feels like one meal won’t make my liver fatty in one day… God help me with that too!!!

This is getting harder and harder. I thought I was doing great, getting used to “eating” my packets, thinking of them as medicine. Yesterday I had to eat a chicken breast. I was really trying to stay on track, but as my packet selection dwindles, I really don’t want to eat that stuff. I’m starving to death, but I just keep looking at the packets and walking away. Still starving. I am sick of the same thing day in and day out. Three more days. Three more days!! I am nervous about eating afterward. I am going to try to maintain the low carb diet, though not as strict as the pre-op diet. I know I am going to face temptation. I don’t want to defeat myself. I have been told that the hardest part is the month following surgery because the band has not been inflated yet and I will still be able to eat much more than I should. I want to continue to lose during that month.A guy at work created a mini-workout group called “The Steppers” last Thursday. I am a member. We work on the 2nd floor of a 10-story building, and every day we walk down to the ground floor and then up to the 10th, back down to G and then back up to 2. It is NOT easy! I am always the last one to make it, and I can hardly breathe, and I have to hold on to the handrail, but I make it. My co-workers are very encouraging, and I get high fives when I reach the top. Sometimes, when I don’t want to do it, they make me! That’s good for me though.

I have been having a hard time getting my packets in. I make it to 4 most of the time, but yesterday I could only stomach 2. Just thinking about it – ugh – I’d rather not eat. I called Rebecca today for help. She reminded me that this is medicine for my body and that I need to get at least 4 packets in. I need the protein for my body to heal. But she also said that I can have a baked or grilled chicken breast with nothing on it. I am so excited!! It could not have come at a more perfect day! I am going to my aunt’s today, and I am going to take a chicken breast to throw on the grill!The hardest part is being so depressed because I’m hungry and I can’t eat. I went to the grocery yesterday with my friend to pick up some sugar-free jello and sugar-free beverages and it was absolute torture! I was so irritated and grouchy by the time we left. I just wanted to cry! I just want to feel normal. I just want to NOT think about food.Saturday was the best day. I went to the movies (ohh, the smell of popcorn!) and out to Wendy’s with my girl. The lady looked at me like I was a weirdo when all I ordered was a glass of ice water, a glass of hot water, and a small cup. But even though I wasn’t eating a burger and fries, I still got to enjoy being “out” and having a wonderful time with my girl. I need to get out more often. My boyfriend and I love to go to Starbucks and play Boggle. I think we’ll go tonight. That will help me feel better. And at least I can drink coffee!

I feel so freaking miserable!! I just want to eat something! Anything! This pre-op diet is really hard! Meal time is so depressing for me. I am hungry 24-7, no matter what I have “eaten.” If you can even call it that. I haven’t really chewed anything for about 5 days. Although yesterday I did discover broth and sugar-free jello! The highlight of my day… I have still been exercising. My friends are worried about me since I am taking in next to nothing and exerting so much. I sure am tired a lot, but I feel like I really have to stick to it to get a head start on my weight loss. Plus, I heard that if Dr. Curry goes in and sees my liver all big and fatty, he will just close me up. I DEFINITELY cannot have that!! Everyday I want to eat something, but today was the worst! I feel totally miserable and depressed! I just want to sleep so that I won’t feel so hungry all the time. This is so extremely hard. I can’t wait for the day I can eat again. The best part of my day is my protein bar. I wish now though, that I would have gotten some crunchy ones. I realize that I am doing this for a reason, and that it will be totally worth it, but for right now – this very moment – it doesn’t make me feel much better! This has been the longest 5 days of my life! Will July 12th ever get here??Oh yeah, I was invited to a BBQ at my aunt’s for the 4th of July. Yippee. I am SO looking forward to it (notice hint of sarcasm?)

Oh my gosh!! I am sooooo hungry!! This really feels like torture! I’ve been doing ok so far, but today is terrible!! Besides having to see and smell what other people around me are eating, I feel so exhausted and irritable. I started going to the gym last week, three times a week, and yesterday I burned 400 calories at the gym. Then I added up the calories I had eaten for the day, from my 6 packets of food – 600 calories! 600 calories! No wonder I am so exhausted! I wanted to go to the gym today, but I am sooo tired. I took a nap instead! The food is ok. I love the chicken and wild rice soup, and I love the eggs!! A little seasoning salt and pepper – make sure you cook them in a skillet – and they are excellent! The blueberry pancakes are disgusting! I felt like I was eating a rubber sweet-n-low patty. Yuck! I could barely get it down. I can barely stomach it just thinking about it! As bad as it is (and it IS!!) I keep telling myself it is going to be so worth it. I want to cheat badly! Just one bite of anything, please!?! But I can’t. I feel so blessed to have this wonderful opportunity. I feel like if I can’t make it 2 weeks, then I don’t deserve it. It’s not going to be easy, but as they say, anything worth having is worth working for. Wish me luck! I most certainly will need it!

Oh my goodness!! Yesterday, Marcy called me and left a message saying she emailed me and needed some info from me ASAP. I have a habit of rarely checking my email… and I forgot to check it last night. This morning, I am not sure what made me remember, but I did, and she needed a picture of me – which I did not have – and a statement about how I felt to be the winner (how do you put THAT into words?) by today! Long story short, my computer was messing up and I ended up having someone take a picture of me at work and send it to my email so that I could forward it to her. While trying to search for a picture of myself, especially a recent one, I realized why there weren’t very many. Because of my weight, I do not like getting my picture taken. For some reason, I feel like I don’t look like those pictures. That can’t be me. But it is. My “before” picture is scheduled for June 28th. I am actually looking forward to it. Because it is me. But not for long!!!

Today I went to see Dr. Curry and his team! I didn’t really know what to expect, but everyone was very nice (which I already knew from the info session). I had to meet with Dr. Buhrman who was very kind, and I felt like he really listened. I had to fill out a mental health quiz that was long and crazy! There were some really weird questions! I met everyone that would be involved with my journey, and I scheduled my surgery!! July 12th!! Yay! That was incredibly exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time!! It’s really happening! I AM a little nervous! I scheduled my nutrition class, which I am really looking forward to. Learning how to eat after my procedure will be very important for my success. I also learned that the pre-op diet is something that is very strict and a separate expense. In the info session, when they said I would be on a low-carb, high-protein pre-op diet, I assumed I would just be eating grilled chicken and veggies or something. They showed me my food choices and gave tips on what tasted the best. I’ll learn more at my nutrition class June 28th. I can’t believe this is really happening!! July 12th! I was so excited, I was telling just about everyone! I could not stop smiling! July 12th!! That will be a day to celebrate in my life in the years to come. I am so excited!!

Lisa called me today to schedule my appointment. June 16th! I am so excited. I still am in disbelief! This makes it a little more real. I cannot wait.

A routine visit to my doctor changed my life. After my exam, he looks at me and says, “Cassandra, I’d really like to see you lose a few pounds.” I broke down in his office. I knew of course that I needed to lose some weight. A LOT of weight. I told him how I’ve been trying, how I’ve been so depressed, how I felt like I just couldn’t get a handle on it no matter how hard I tried. He was very kind, compassionate, and understanding. He asked if I had ever looked into medication or surgical weight loss. Truth is, I had. I had been to one of Dr. Curry’s info sessions in the past, as he had came highly recommended from a surgeon I had worked with, someone I trusted and respected very much. I learned a lot at that info session. Afterward, I also learned that surgical weight loss was an exclusion on my insurance policy. Private pay was not an option. As a single mother with student loans and credit card debt, it seemed an impossibility. I was disappointed, but still determined to do what I could on my own. Two years later, and twenty pounds heavier (my BMI at 44), I found myself breaking down in my doctors office. I decided to look at surgical weight loss as an option again. I felt like it was life or death. I went to two different info sessions in the Dayton. I was not impressed, and I was scared. I don’t know who these doctors are. One didn’t even show up to his own info session. I knew who I wanted to do my surgery. Dr. Curry’s info session was the last one I went to. I almost did not make it. I had gotten off work late that day, I didn’t have a sitter for my son, and I thought I would never make it in time. I learned of the contest when registering for the info session, and that was the deciding factor. I had to go, even if I was late, even though I had to bring my son with me, I had to get there, so I could have a chance to win. After leaving, I was determined to do whatever I could to make this surgery happen. I went to plead with my HR department, our insurance broker, and my employer. I was determined to save enough money to pay for it myself if all those options fell through. I immediately increased my health savings account distribution and planned to have enough money to pay for it in three to four years. I was at my friend’s house playing Scrabble when Marcy called me. We had spoken at length at the info session, and I assumed she was calling to see if I had had any progress talking to my HR department and so on. I believe she said something like, “You are the winner.” “NO,” I said. “No way!” I was in disbelief. My friend heard the conversation and saw the look on my face. She screamed, “You won!” “I won!!” I shrieked. We were jumping up and down screaming, I couldn’t really hear what Marcy was saying. She didn’t want me to have to wait, she said. She said that they would call back later to schedule my appointment. After I hung up, my friend and I were still screaming and hugging. I was running and jumping around so much so that I had to sit down to catch my breath. Then the tears came. I felt like I had been given the gift of LIFE. The gift of HOPE. I am so excited to begin this journey. And I am so happy that I get to do it with Dr. Curry and JourneyLite. I’ll keep you posted.